You just got PUNNED
To be fair, the Sam Raimi movies aren't atrocities. They're half-way decent, really. They are not crimes upon humanity on the scale of, say, Batman and Robin. In fact, I really liked the second one. I can't put my finger on what it was that made it better than the other two, but it might have had something to do with the fact that, except for Venom, Doc Ock was my favorite villain. 3 doesn't get points for including Venom because he was played by Topher Grace and he was only Venom for like 10 minutes. The problem I had was that they were just disappointing. I had really high hopes for these movies, which is probably my own fault. I don't really have problems with the actors themselves or even the script, but I think they were put into the wrong roles. They were so bad that by the time we got to the 3rd movie, people were laughing. Spider-Man deserves better. For instance, Tobey Maguire is a fine actor, but he just doesn't feel like Peter Parker to me. Ditto Kirsten Dunst and James Franco. If you've seen them in other movies, you know they can do a good job. While I really hated Pineapple Express, James Franco played an excellent stoner. The scripts needed a little work, but for the most part I really feel like what would have made these movies great would have been a recast. Now, I'm roughly the bajillionth person on the internet to offer a "Recast this movie" type article, but..................but................................Well I really don't have a justification for this. But the hell with it it's my blog. I've thought about who to cast for a long time. I just feel strongly about it for some pathetic reason. Like with the Terminator show, when it started to get boring in season 2, I kinda wished that theyd hire me as a consultant. Then I realized that that was audacious. So, I offer to you, the person who is still reading this, my own treatment of the Spider-Man casting. It probably sucks, but doing these kinds of articles is a boatload of fun for me, and like any article I write I hope it at least entertains you. Shhhhhhhhh............ C'mhere............... BREAKDOWN!
1. Peter Parker - Christopher Mintz-Plasse
That's right. McLovin. In just about every comic book, the story starts with Peter Parker in high school. high school. Tobey Maguire, even in a gray hoodie and glasses, looks 35. I don't know how old McLovin is. He's probably 27 or something, but at least he looks young enough. Also, even after leaving high school, he's still pretty much a dweeb. Tobey Maguire kind of plays him as a starving artist or something but certainly not a dweeb. Peter Parker as played by Tobey Maguire isn't really unpopular because he's a nerd who keeps to himself. It seems to be more because everyone else is a dick. Throughout the movies, the world really just kind of pisses on him, and Maguire just kind of plays it for laughs and tears, like he's in another movie. In most of the comics, the Peter Parker character is enthusiastic, like a kid. He's constantly throwing around quips, enjoying himself, and while the hard lifestyle of a secret identity does get him down, it's usually out of concern for others rather than his own busted-down-ness. Also, there really needs to be a learning curve for him. I read the first Ultimate comics, and what the movies have neglected is the fact that Peter still had to learn how to fight criminals before he could do it right. In the movies he gets his powers and BAM he can fight. In the comics, if I'm not mistaken, he gets his ass handed to him a few times first, and honestly I think Mintz-Plasse would pull that off nicely.
2. Mary Jane Watson - Emma Stone
I'm not really sure what point to introduce her in the story. In the movies and in the Ultimate comics, she knows Peter in high school. Older comics have Peter dating Gwen Stacy, who dies, and then he puts off allowing Aunt May to introduce him to Mary Jane for a long time until he finally accepts and she enters with that historic line, "Face it, Tiger. You just hit the jackpot". I don't care what anyone says, Kirsten Dunst can not pull that off. Again, not really her fault, just a bad casting decision. Mary Jane, in every incarnation I've seen is not a melodramatic character. When I thought about this years ago, I wanted to cast Sarah Michelle Gellar, but today she's probably not age-appropriate for a high schooler. I've seen Zombieland and Easy A, and Emma Stone played those characters pretty much as I would want Mary Jane to be played. She's a very confident character and partakes in the smart-allecky quips like Peter. She's not the damsel-in-distress that Dunst played, and while Zombieland ended with her in that position, it never really broke her character for me.
3. J Jonah Jameson - Christopher McDonald
I loved the Jameson in the movies. JK Simmons was great. But this has to be a complete recast. You can't really change the cast but leave one peripheral character the same, can you? I decided that the actor would have to be a character actor, not a bigass celebrity. I googled "character actor", browsed around and found him. Shooter McGavin! He's the perfect asshole, but the kind of pathetic variety. The kind of guy who is soured by other peoples' success and wants to make a name for himself, but has fleeting (FLEETING) moments of humanity. I honestly wish I could just cast JK Simmons, but I think McDonald would do a fine job.
4. Harry Osborn - Hayden Christiansen
OK WAIT. Just hear me out. First: to be honest my exposure to the character does not go beyond what I saw in the Saturday morning cartoon. I'm ashamed to say this, and it may discredit me as a nerd, but I had to look up his character on Wiki. The character arc is not different from what happened over the 3 movies. The character has the same problems of neglect from his dad, and is jealous of Peter for dating Gwen. He kind of has a Shakespearian whiney tragedy character, and that's kind of what made me think of Hayden. This pic I found makes it work too. Doesn't he just look rich and whiny? It just works with everything: his jealousy over Peter, coming from money, and the eventual insanity.
5. Eddie Brock / Venom - Trevor Donovan
This is the most clothed picture of him I could find
The Eddie Brock character, as I've known him is a big, hulking thug of a guy. He starts off working at the Bugle with Peter, abnormally self-confident and eventually ruined because Spider-Man unmasks a villain Brock thought he'd found himself. Or something. Anyways, the character kind of gets ruined by this and hates Spider-Man for it, and like in the 3rd movie the suit leaves Spider-Man at the same time as it joins Eddie. What makes this character intimidating is supposed to the that he's essentially a bigger version of Spider-Man with the same powers, a genuine hatred for Spider-Man (not just "you're foiling my plan! Die!") and invisibility to the Spider-sense. The Venom story arc, as I understand it, is a long bane for Spider-Man that is supposed to take an entire movie, not 20 minutes. So we need an actor that is huge, at least in comparison to Peter (Brock is a bodybuilder) that can also kind of do the insane predatory thing. I was going to use a wrestler or bodybuilder, but they're too big compared to McLovin, so I decided on an Abercrombie & Fitch type. This guy plays on 90210, and in it he plays a rich arrogant douchebag, perfect for the Brock role because he walks in assuming hes awesome, then gets shamed and decides it's someone elses fault. It's not a perfect pick, but honestly it's the best I could do over a few days, and I feel that he's necessitated by my pick for Spider-Man. He just looks like the kind of guy who'd torture a guy like McLovin in high school, a pretty good fit for the 'I'll ruin your life' mannerism of Venom. He looks like he could say "I'm going to kill you. And I'm totally justified in doing that" and looks like he means it. The video I found of him has embedding disabled, so... here.
So there it is. One of my very first nerdgasm articles. If it wasn't full of the best picks, I apologize, but hopefully you found it entertaining. It was for me.
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